Bone marrow transplant (AML)

Hi my name is joelle im 18 and was diagnosed with AML January 11 2012. Its unbelievable how even now 7 months later i still feel asthough i may wake up from this nightmare. I remember feeling tired and losing a lot of weight months before taking a blood test.I have to say the hardest part is realising how this isnt a dream and watching everyone around you break into tears asking questions you dont even have the answers to..yet. Ive done 3 chimos 1 of which didnt work. When the doctors came in my room telling me the secound chimo had worked a great sense of relief came upon me. I have trouble accepting why certain people get more unlucky then others, i feel like i cannot let go of the one question that im sure troubles every cancer patient for quiet some time…why? Having lived my whole life a healthy child and now being dependent on drugs and medicine i feel as though i am no longer in control of my body or my future. Iam so thankful to have such amazing doctors to look after me and treat my sickness. Although i couldnt be happier that i am now in remission my fear of a bone marrow transplant subsides all else. I somehow found some luck in my misfortune they say finding someone compatable with you is like winning the lottery, My brother is compatible with me therefore the doctors have decided it would be best to proceed.I am so thankful, i remember asking my doctor if any of my siblings were compatable and the secound she mentioned my brother i fell apart, it must have been a mix of happiness and wonder. I wish someone could tell me its going to be fine its a very safe procedure and youre going to get out of it a ok but no one does, and even if somebody did would i believe them. I have faith that i will be ok but i also have fear. All i want is to have my normal life back the one i chose to dispise and not appreciate. I know my battle isnt over but im sick of fighting its exhausting. I know what i have to do and im going to do it because i want to be here.