I Don’t Get It

I was diagnosed with ALL, a type of Leukemia, nearly 2.5 years ago on June 22, 2010 when I was 18 and a new High School Graduate. I was told it was going to be a three year treatment and I thought I could handle it. I’m 21 now and at college and I’ll be finished when I’m 22. I’m at my 8 month count down (end date is in Oct. 27, 2013) but now I’m getting more and more scared and I don’t know why. I was ok at first, even though the first few months were hell. When I got my first bone marrow biopsy, my parents were much more scared for me than I was. But now that I take daily pills and once a month treatments, it seems like this will never end. I think my support system is going downhill. My parents got divorced last year; it was coming for a while but I think the stress of my treatments helped pushed it over the edge. They both love me and support me, but it seems like the whole structure of my family is gone and that was something I was afraid of ever since I was a kid. I don’t know, I think I just have to man up and take it, but sometimes it’s hard. I know that there are people that have it much, much, worse than me; and seeing others struggles make me grateful for what I have. I think as a survivor I owe it to them to live my life to the fullest and do Gods work. But every time I see those pills in my hand before I go to sleep, it all just seems… wasted. Like I struggled all that time and I’m still not allowed to stop. I shouldn’t feel this way and it’s very frustrating. Does anyone know what to do? Or felt this way as well?

February 28, 2013 by  
Filed under Uncategorized

  • Leah Shearer

    Hey there,

    As a survivor myself I think I can totally understand what you are saying…sometimes nearing the end of cancer treatment can be even more stressful than when you begin. I think that’s because life just feels so far removed from what you used to know. Then the idea of figuring it all out after its ‘over’ well, that’s just plain overwhelming.

    You didn’t leave your first name but I want you to know you are not alone. Lots of people get it- and I’m one of them.

    I would say for one part of your question- what to do- well, you’re doing it.
    You’re searching for the wisdom of others and looking for a way to feel better about it. That is a first step and a big one – at that.

    Here’s a thought- I don’t know if you ever video chat but perhaps you might be interested in a little cool thing we’re doing here at TLC. Follow Teens Living with Cancer on Google+ and perhaps you could join us sometime for a video chat. We’ve done only 2 such chats so far but last time we had 3 survivors here in the center and 3 joining us online.

    Next week Tuesday 3/5 in the evening. You game?
    Email me at leah@teenslivingwithcancer.org if you think it might be worth a try!

    Leah Shearer
    TLC Program Coordinator
    Rochester NY

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