I wish things were normal again.
I wish I could go back.
To the way things were,
Before the war.
Before, when I could run a mile without getting tired,
compared to now, when I can’t make it up the stairs without getting winded.
Before, when I could kiss my sweet sweet Ashley without a second thought.
compared to now, when she’s afraid to spread germs to me, because my immune system went to crap.
Back when I spent my afternoons playing football, and soccer.
Compared to now, when I spend my afternoons asleep, or taking treatments.
Back when I stayed out until after curfew, and spent my weekend nights on dates.
Compared to now, when 8pm is late to go to sleep, and I can’t go on dates, because I’m puking.
Back when I aced every class, and was all honors.
Compared to now, when I never get to go to school, and my grades are dropping.
Back when I could afford to be carefree.
Compared to now, when I have to monitor every aspect of my life to stay alive.
Back when I left the house every day, and worked at Chick-fil-a.
Compared to now, when I never leave the house, and I had to quit my job.
Back to when I was healthy.
Compared to now, when I’m completely te opposide.
Oh. How I wish I could go back.
Back to when things were normal…
This whole cancer thing is really new to me. Its really scary, as you probably know.
I never got sick. And I mean that completely honestly. I skipped every flu season, and I never caught colds, viruses, anything. Ever.
It was the last thing on my mind. I was a senior. I was excited. I was the quarterback on the football team, leading forward on the soccer team. I ran track, I surfed, I snowboarded, I did everything. EVERYTHING.
Over the last 2 months, I’ve traded in my track shoes and my soccerball for IV’s and anti-puke pills.
I’ve traded in dates with my lovely girlfriend and hanging out with my buddies for doctors appointments and sick days.
I’ve traded in my life for a life I didn’t want anymore.
I wasn’t supposed to have to go through this.
My family wasn’t supposed to have to undergo this, and neither were my friends.
I wasn’t supposed to have to deal wth all of this, I was supposed to have a fun year. I was supposed to graduate.
I was supposed to be healthy.
I’m not anymore, and I’m so confused. My body has proclaimed war against me. My stomach refuses to hold anything down, my head won’t stop spinning, and my energy just dissapears as soon as I gain it, if I’m lucky enough to gain it.
I try to push myself. Because thats who I am. That’s what I’ve always done. I’ve always pushed myself physically, and mentally. I was all honors, and taking AP everything, and I’ve had to give that up, because I’m never able to go to school.
The other day, I tried to jog at least 2 miles after having a Chemo treatment. I stopped after one, because I was so weak, I felt so sick, and I didn’t have the want to do it anymore. All I want to do anymore is curl up in a ball and sleep.
It royally sucks.
But I’m not one to complain. I haven’t complained once to my mom, or my dad, or anyone else. They have enough to worry about.
So this is the first time I’ve complained throughout 3 rounds of chemo, and its side effects.
I don’t whine, I see that as a sign of weakness, and I don’t like being weak.
But I am.
So, I think I’ll curl up in a ball, and go to sleep for 12 hours now.
My name is Caleb. I’m 17, and I have Leukemia. I was diagnosed almost a month ago now, and I’m starting my Chemotherapy. Yesterday afternoon, I started my second round.
Thank God the first round was easy on me. This second round is really kicking my butt.
I didn’t feel really well yesterday morning, anyways. And I had the option of either having the treatment this morning, or yesterday afternoon at 4, and I opted for yesterday afternoon, because I had a track meet this morning.
I got there around 4:00, and they hooked me up. I sat in the seat, and waited for it to finish dripping.
Halfway through, I got a HUGE headache. I mean, this was the worst pain I’ve ever had in my head. It felt like someone was hitting me in the head with a hammer.
I finished and went home about 2 hours later, after talking to some really close friends in the treatment place.
I got home, and went to lie down and watch a movie. My head was still pounding.
This morning, I woke up, and automatically felt sick. I stood up, and I was extremely dizzy. I spent the better part of the morning in and out of the restroom, and sleeping on the bathroom floor. I hate that.
I was usually pretty healthy. I never got sick before all of this happened, and I’m not used to it. I don’t like it.
After my numerous restroom trips, I finally worked up enough strength to make it down stairs to say good morning to my amazing mother, and I sat down at the kitchen table, and laid my head down. My mom felt my forehead, and took my temp and all that. Granted- she’s not used to this quite yet, either. She’s used to healthy kids, I mean, none of my 5 brothers have ever had anything that compares to this, and neither has my sister. Quite frankly, neither have I. She’s not very fond of us being sick at all, I mean, the flu season is a terrible time for her! I was running a fever of like… 102, I think. And my head was still killing me.
She sent me to lie on the living room couch, and when I laid down, I turned on Fired Up!, and soon fell asleep.
I woke up about an hour later, and I felt a HUGE surge of nausea, and I leapt for the restroom.
See, now, this is where my story gets pretty pitiful. I hate being sick. SO much. I absolutely despise it. But I’m smart enough to expect it with Chemo.
So, I spent a lot of my afternoon throwing up, and falling asleep, and throwing up, and falling asleep again, and on and on.
Needless to say, I didn’t have a very good day.
I hate Chemo treatments.
Who’s with me?